A week after #manology comes the story of a week long relationship. I won't get into the details of it and why it ended ( that's an entirely different blog post) I will however share some insights from my week long "interesting" experience.
Firstly,it is hard to date in this rainy weather,you will either bond in a coffee house until they force you out or you will date in traffic. Traffic is fine because you get to cuddle in a stationery position sort like in the cinemas. However, the stuffiness of a matatu, exhaust fumes and the temperament of Kenyan drivers creates an atmosphere charged with vitriol emotions. This, my dears, is NOT the best place to ask that deep question or to bring up a topic that is otherwise uncomfortable ( note to self)
I'm sorry my mind is all over the place with this one so I'm gonna go straight into it and say,"Ladies, if a man wants to leave,let him go!"
There is power is allowing something to leave your life with the same gusto it came in. I am the queen of "Let's stick it out"land. Truth me that island is colonised by thoughts of insecurity and the constant need to be asserted.I am going to expose my left ventricle and say that I have a constant need to be affirmed, especially in a relationship. I need the man to constantly mush me up with words of affirmation like,"I wanna be with you" , "I'm not gonna leave you" , " I want to spend each and every waking breath with you even if your stories are repetitive,I will make it work."
Truth is,this manfriend had a life and a "story" going on way before you came and flaunted your good heart,charm and apple bottom his way. These stories don't change,you simply become the new chapter in his book not a book mark. If he had female friends,he will continue to have them, and will still keep the photo of his ex on his phone because guess what,that's how men are. Unless he is convinced that this chapter in his life needs to become a thesis,he will read you with the same interest he will others. I learnt this the hard way and it cost me,what could have been,"The One."
However! The "One" won't leave you and here is why. We are constantly looking for a partner who has these qualities that we feel, are adaptable to our story. A new addition,I have come to learn is,if he really wants in, nothing will make him leave,he will take you in warts and all.
Warts and all means that you have a bad side right? You nag, breath heavily on the phone, have small tits, fart in public..whatever.When a man wants in,he takes all that bull with the same stride he takes in your kisses and hugs for the simple fact that it doesn't phase him from his goal, to have you.
So many reasons cause men to leave. From my experience,it could be he is not mentally prepared to be in a relationship or sadly,he's just not that into you. All my Christian friends forgive me for using coarse language but,the bottom line, a relationship is a constant shoveling of shit from one date to another. Don't get me wrong, the lovey doveys are a must. But that doesn't last long.Even your new shinny job takes its toll after you have done the same thing over and over again. What makes it sweet is the pursuit of passion. The realization that regardless of this persons flaws,they make your life happy and that means more to you than their temper tantrums,their drunk texts and their random killer farts.
Finding someone who loves you "warts and all" is hard. Here's where God comes in,the maker of all warts. He knows what your weaknesses are and aligns you with someone who will take them and vice versa. I honestly believe in divine pairing because face it, left to your own devices,you'd give your self to the player next door and convince yourself that if you loved him hard enough, he will change.
Well here's the sad reality,men NEVER change. They become more ingrained in their idiosyncracies the older they become.The only way a man can change is if he is passionate about you and it's that kind of passion that causes him to compromise his warts for yours. He will control his temper around you, he will wait for you in the pouring rain as opposed to throwing deuces, which he normally does. He will pick your phone call even when you have been drunk dialing him about that chic he keeps texting when you are together. Why I speak so passionately about warts and all from a man's perspective is because as women, we are more malleable than men. We can take in a lot of things, that is why we are mothers and care givers.
Men on the other hand are innately selfish and always look out for number one.Let me give you vibe, a friend of mine told me how over the weekend, his male friend had an argument with the chic and the dude told her to bounce...please not this was after the chic has cooked him dinner...and she left! And guess what, she will be back. A man can tell you to get the stepping more scathingly than a woman can and that is why,in a relationship,the man has to be the passion giver and bearer.
How many stories or experiences have you had of exes who move on at a heartbeat and got married in 6 months...men!
And does it annoy you how men text you with a hint of aloofness after a breakup ( even if it was agreeable) aki...men!
Point? If he left you, he wasn't meant to stay so don't force it,let it go. If God gave you one, He will give you another. Also be careful about a man who is quick to leave you for your flaws. We all have them and that is what makes us spicy. As annoying as they are, he also has to realise, you had a story going on before he came so he should also "chapterise" himself and not make you a book mark. As much as selfishness runs true,compromise is important. You can't always dismiss what doesn't make you happy. Gold is not mined pure, nor are babies born whole. You invest and stick it out,warts and all.
If he cares about you and genuinely wants to be with you, he will take you as you are, warts and all!
And ladies if you find him, make it count..don't take it for granted, your warts,if unreasonable, can also cause him to throw deuces, tell you to get the steppin, after you have not only cooked but hatched a baby who annoyingly looks like him!!
It is probably in season that my first blog post in a while comes with the new Google plus settings. I sorta feel the same sense of violation I felt when facebook added the new Timeline ( which I have totally refused to switch to by the way) Call me a creature of habit :)
So I didn't blog about my heart being ripped out of my chest to make samosa fillings...because it was too grotesque a period. Neither did I blog about the many milestones my son gives me day by day ( like washing the table with yogurt and licking my roll-on...boys) However, I need to blog about something that has been bugging me for the last couple of months and if this post begins to sound like a,"letter to the editor" bear with me, my soul is heavy *cue Nneka*
In February 2012 I organised singles night at my church,Mavuno Mashariki. I did so because I was tired of good women missing out on good men because the latter cannot read signs! Kenyan men ( sorry for the stereotype) just don't get hints fast enough especially from a sassy lass who is wanton for his goodies! Men tend to find brazen women too straight forward and with the every guy catching the "friends with benefits" or "chips funga" flu, it's kinda hard for a good old fashioned girl to get some Vitamin C.
That said,I am dating again and boy oh boy isn't it weird! From the crushes to the awkwardness to the stupid stunts (like telling the Java manager he is hotter than their home fries) *cringe at the memory* It's one big roller coaster that I think I have forgotten how to ride.
I have, however, learnt A LOT from the sermon series at church #finderskeepers and the from the consequent singles night ...dating in Nairobi needs DIVINE INTERVENTION.
Every guy I have met post breakup wants to bed me! I don't blame em ( this descendant of Ramogi throws it down and then some)*dusting shoulders* but that is not what I want! I am at that stage and age when cheap thrills are for I-max cinemas,I am a grown woman with grown woman needs and guess what,I now come with a plus one, my bundle of joy,King Arthur,my son.
So getting into the dating scene I am very cautious of what men say and do. You see when a man wants you he will say ANYTHING and lemme tell you I am a sucker for words. Say it right,sprinkle it with hot sauce and a serve it up with a big spoon? I'm your customer, with a freaking smart card!
My grace however is that being in two long term relationships,I am beginning to discern the difference between what a man says and what he means. My campus roommate used to tell me,"Cindy,just because a man wants to buy you chocolate doesn't mean he likes you.If a man likes you, you will know it and everyone will know it too,including the neighbour's dog!"
Now correct me if I'm wrong but men tend to be emotionally exclusive creatures.If a man,say,likes football, you will know it from his twitter handle (@lovemanunitedfan) to the many white and red jerseys in his closet and off course, his weekend plans. The same with if a man is a smart businessman. From the way he dresses to whom he hangs out with, his website,it resonates from that one part of his brain that fuels hisr passion. The same thing happens when a man is into a chic. He will pursue her relentlessly. Don't get me wrong I'm not talking about stalking, but if a man is about your business ( whether to get into your pants or into your heart) you will know it and his lingo will show it.
I believe that in the case of "Man wants into your pants" words like,"sexy, hot, turn on," are used often because you see, he is selling sex so you as the buyer need to know what currency you're going to be exchanging. Goods ones sold are not replaceable remember. The same happens when a man is after your heart. He will be about your business, how your day was, what are your interests? Where do you hang out? How is your baby? The man will even notice how your eyes become like tiny chinks when you laugh out loud.
I recently got a mix of both that confused me and excited me at the same time. Here is this suitor who seeks after me with a hint of lust just enough to give me a "buzz" ( I'm a Christian woman but every girl needs a lil buzz can I get a high five!!! no? moving on!).A few weeks into our back and forth, all was well, I was called all sort of names, from "Baby, honey, future wife, sugar" and then for some reason, the communication and the "buzz" went south. The suitor cited legal issues that he was undergoing and the never ending need to make that paper as he is a young entrepreneur. Granted, who am I to get in the way of the law or the making of money. *cue Octopizzo "Make that Mula buy that Ndula* But here's the thing,when the tables turned and it became about me chasing him, the hand of power changed.
Owing to the singular mind I have explained earlier,I have come to realise that unless the man does the chasing and hence remains with the "hand of power", the later results are in vain! It is foolish to try and compete with a man's ego or passion. He wants what he wants and no amount of rump shaking will ever change that. So if a man wants you, he will make it his passion. He will make time for you, he move mountains and guess what, he will not MAKE EXCUSES. The hand of power is what makes a man the head of the house, it is what makes a man a leader, it is what makes a man A MAN!
This morning, I read a tweet by @revrunwisdom,"Ladies:: Here's a clue..When a man really wants to be with someone NO excuses will be made..Time will be made! #MANOLOGY"
How painfully true and in my situation, a red flag that I have since read and halted at the crossroads. I have to be hunted meaning you have to make time for me and not give me excuses. A building is just as strong as its foundation and if I don't stand up for what I deserve now then then it will be weeks and months of compromise ( been there done that)
Ladies, it is ok to have your own set of rules that guide YOU in a relationship. According to #finderskeepers they are called DEAL BREAKERS. For me, a deal breaker is when I stop becoming the hunted and become a hunter. Granted, every relationship needs a healthy dose of give and take however reciprocity is very important for continual co-existence and since men are men, it is super important that they have AND MAINTAIN the passion of pursuit.
I don't know about you but it sucks to wait all day for a text that is half baked and covered with stale icing. It sucks when you are the one on the phone asking when the next date is gonna be and it sucks monkey balls to play that ,"I wonder if I should say hi,will I seem to eager?" game when you see the suitors chat window pop green for go. I think there's freedom in true pursuit, freedom to know that your bold step of love will be met by an even bolder step of mutual affirmation. That we are in this together and you are into me as much as I am into you and here's evidence,let's have lunch next week. If you are constantly panicking about whether your into itmore than he is, chances are, it's true!
Here's another gem from
@revrunwisdom "Ladies:: when a man is ready to committ it'll be VERY easy to tell...If u start sense he's playin u.. HE IS #MANOLOGY"
So I'm just gonna skip this one out and wait for God to send me a real man who know a real woman's worth *cue Alicia Keys*
and if you are single and willing to mingle,let's met at the next Singles night at Mavuno Mashariki in June 2012. Remember #finderskeepers #loosersweepers
*search for #finderskeepers on twitter for more edification on how to find and keep the one
Love and Light :)