Monday, 13 October 2008

This poem was inspired by the Awakening by Sonny Carrol


My awakening came one day when I sat on my bed clutching my heart so tight
Coz I thought it was going to burst open
Pain ripped through me like I had swallowed hot stones that were beating in tandem with my anxiety
And to my surprise I whispered loudly, there is more to life than James Brown
Off course I can’t say his name, my purpose is not to defame him it’s about the awakening, that time that comes in your life when you finally get it

Your spirit, In the midst of all your fears and insanity stops you dead in your tracks cries ENOUGH!!
Enough fighting and crying
Struggling and trying to hold on.
And, like a child quieting down after fitful storm,
Your sobs begin to subside, and something inside you sees the world
Like they were staring out of God’s eyes.
The tide is an awakening.

You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change,
Your deranged view of happiness, safety and security
Gallop over to the next horizon and disappear
Like your belief in Prince Charming, that’s fiction
and you are not Cinderella that’s a vision
the world paints to taint your focus on facts.
The fact is there aren’t fairytale endings or beginnings
and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" is with giving the child back to you

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect,
not everyone will always love, appreciate your defects
and it's OK.
They are entitled to their own opinions, they call themselves legion coz their points of view are many
So tell me, why would there contusions be a reason to judge your every breath with
You awaken when you stop bitching and blaming other people for maiming you by what they did or did not do to you
and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

And the awakening, so

Wake up and smell the coffee darling, it’s not always about you
you learn to overlook shortcomings and human frailties
you learn to stop judging and pointing fingers,
you learn you learn you learn

to open up to new worlds and different points of view.
Redefining the good people and the goody two-shoes
You learn the difference between wanting and needing,
discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, through learning
arming yourself with a cross that you now bare gracefully
like scars reminding you that the past is not a destiny
the stars are things that you should play on
walk on water kind of faith
those days are gone
You have worn your last crown of bondage
Packed all your false realities in storage
Coz we all know that love causes
You to learn
you learn you learn you learn

the difference between romantic love and familial love.
when to stop giving, and when to walk away.
And it’s ok
You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship.
You a more valuable than an emotional field trip
Stay at home, read a book,
"alone" does not mean lonely.
Is there anybody who is feeling me
say learn

Awakening is when
You admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of a wall
You stand tall and are thankful
and take comfort in things that are simple
a full fridge, running water,
a warm bed,
a long hot shower.
Slowly you begin to take responsibility for yourself, by yourself,
You make a promise to never betray thyself
and to never, ever settle for less
than your heart's desire.
You walk through the wire, umbrella in hand
Balancing and trusting the wind
That you now listen to
Because your heart is open to everything wonderful
Finally you don’t grab it so hard
You understand
with courage and with God by your side,
you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and abide to
design the life you want to live as best you can.

Because you have lived and learnt
And are now wide awake!

The Awakening

The Awakening

A time comes in your life when you finally get it. When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out -- ENOUGH!! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening. You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming, and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter), and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you, and in the process a sense of serenity is born out of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect, and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are and it's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself, and in the process a sense of newly found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop bitching and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that not everyone will always be there for you, and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers, and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you shouldn't weigh, what you should wear, where you should shop, what you should drive, how and where you should live, what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry, what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children, or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing, and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with, and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry, and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, not intelligent, more lovable, or important because of the man or woman on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations, and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms. Just to make you happy. And, you learn that "alone" does not mean lonely.

And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up." You also stop working so hard at putting feelings aside, smoothing things over, and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK...and that it is you right to want the things that you want. And that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect, and that you will not settle for less. And you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you, to glorify you with his or her touch, and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body is really your temple. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water, and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear, so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels the soul, so you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn that, for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve, and that much of life is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for, and that wishing for something to happen is different for working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success, you need direction, discipline, and perseverance. You also learn that not one can do it all alone and it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must really fear is the great robber baron of all time: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens, you can handle it, and to give into fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On those occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God is not always punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state - the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy, and resentment must be understood and redirected, or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly you begin to take responsibility for yourself, by yourself, and you try to make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.

~Sonny Carroll


Apostle Nyagah has some nerve declaring that women cannot wear trousers in church I mean, who is he? I have been at this game of salvation and protestant living long enough to declare that, in some churches, Sundays should just be called what they are, A MONEY MAKING SCHEME. Has his pockets grown so heavy with our tithes and offerings that he has forgotten the humble beginning of Neno Evangelistic church, when women wore trousers without a single word of protest from him? Is he so haughty, that he now conveniently forgets that the women –wearing-trousers sermons are the same as crying for a tooth for a tooth and an eye for an eye!

“Behold, the old has gone but the new has come” Jesus did not come to change the law but to complete it, not for people like Apostle sijui who, to declare that women, those low beings that we can dictate to like children, should not wear trousers. The unmitigated cheek! Shame on you!

In campus we had, what I believe was the most ridiculously hypocritical C.U in our pagan existence. Students, who became church leaders by virtue of how loud their tongues could wail, would pompously stand on the pulpit and declare 21st Century chauvinism! These are the same people who have children out of wedlock or were caught at some women’s hostels at an ungodly hour, literally! From this experience, I came to realise that doctrinal decrees are at best whimsical, based on the personal convictions of an individual. These men-of-God have been brought up in gichagi, where there mothers and sisters wore flared long skirts and tied headscarves on their heads. Now in the bid towards earning a shilling, they come to town, start churches and begin passing on their personal beliefs and norms to people, who have seen skirts and trousers long enough to know if you are looking for trouble you will find it!

Does Grace Msalame, a beautiful woman by the way, dress indecently? Hell no! But how many men ogle at her generous hips! Let me tell you, even if you wear a bui bui, if your head is in the gutter, it will look for rubbish. These so called “men” who called Classic 105 this morning declaring that women should not wear trousers…period. These are the same callous fiends who fornicate in private, are probably addicted to porn or have an unsatisfied sex life. Please! Don’t hate what you can’t conquer, and if you share the same school of thought as Apostle Nyagah, then the picture is for you! Bon Appetite!

Sunday, 5 October 2008

Beauty for ashes

I met a beautiful woman who wasn’t happy and that came as quite a surprise to me coz
Beautiful women are made beautiful so that they can be happy
I mean
It all makes sense to me,
If you can live your whole life getting things tax free
Then you’re easy
and you don’t even have to become a politician to survive.

But today, I saw a sad beauty
She was gaudy, with that all rounded feeling of having thought a lot
she hurt a lot
in places culture didnt allow her to talk about
bent over
so that you cant see the makes allover
like a tatoo
yes its taboo to be her right now
no family, no house, no husband and no cow
she is waiting for land to plough
to forget what made her odd somehow

she is broken and no one can fix it
though one time she thought voting would lift her spirit
so she cast a vote and checke yes
yes for better education
yed for better schools and roads
yes for a nation that turned on her three days later
when to her shock and horror
her family was moaned down
axe for axe, pound for pound
her friends were no where to be found
police had turned carcass for hounds
axe for axe
pound for pound

Sad people cannot be happy
they are angry and putrid, filthy and horrid
Blaming every stone for conspiracy by placing itself strategically on their path

They take all their tears and bottle them up,
arrange them in shelves they store them up
so that one day, if a trace of happiness is felt, they sip the solution to remind them how bitter life really is.

They take
axe for axe
pound for pound

they call upon the spirits that tend on mortal thoughts
To fill me from the crown to the toe top-full, Of direst cruelty!
Sad people ask the murdering ministers to come to their woman's breasts,
And change their milk to gall so that not even God can peep through heavens the blanket and cry 'Hold, hold!'

But that is not so for beautiful people
oh no
They wake up every morning,
their bodies aching from last night’s insomnia.
They go on their knees and hustle on in this Sodom and Gomorrah
They sip cold coffee and wear nice shoes that are a tad tighter and cheaper, they have that extra swagger coz inside,
They know that no matter
how small the effort, how faint the smile
they can see the Missisipi from the Nile,
and you can be anything!

They are beautiful not because they were born that way but because they choose to be that way
And live a tax free existence

It's been a minute...

Seems like thats the fad way of saying "long time no see"

Hey, whoever you are that is interested in my world. I haven't been communicating coz, well, my new place of work has no internet access..good thing coz the new look facebook would have had me hooked for life! lol

A lot has gone on, new job, new friends, new huddles , relationship growth, sickness and complete physical and emotional freedom. Hopefully, I will get some time to explain all this. right now, am mellow so am gonna go and wish you peace, love and eternal blessings...word!

Thursday, 29 May 2008


And at the end of the day,its always about you
you cannot let anyone steal your joy
It's always about you
you can't pin it on a circumstance
it's always about you
the change comes from within
It's always about you

I wrote this in that melancolic mood suitable for poetry

I heard a rumour about you Cindy

I heard that you cannot sleep at night
without the breathe of light that comes from
the reassurance that, like ur teddy bear, he will never leave
coz its like they just keep on walking away
and though you try to be real, u
can never stop them talking long enough to make them stay,
those men with spurs who keep scratching against ur skull
dis track, there back
to scare that little girl

and all that is left is a pile of wonder
always thinking about what lies a yonder
I hear that sometimes you can't sleep at night
tossing and turning coz ur tired
but we all know its fright
SING: "for how long will you sing this song...Zion's train is headed home"

I heard a rumour about you Cindy Ogana
I heard that you get confused when you are all alone
so you crack up this smile and hope that with ur tone
happiness will sweep the carpet laid in ur heart by ur mind
i heard that sometimes you embellish being wise and kind
and at times like this when u r stripped
naked to the core, u peer into the abyss
aimless and get shocked by how much the shit is
it's still there?
u swear, ul deal with it later
but for how long will u bribe jack the reaper
with a song
SING: " Zion is headed home"

I heard another rumour about you Cindy Bonita
I heard that you were shifted and found wanting
the grain remained but ur chaff started stinking up
the temple that dwells the Most High , the Messiah
yes sir, I and I ..I
heard that you can lead this temple into temptation
and the good shit is, you always come out smoke free
because the good is God and there's God in me
you are venus,
ur smile makes ur lips blush
came up from the curse, use freddy teddy more like a woman uses a purse
that u love vehemently and don't apologise for knowing
that its ok sometimes to loose ur pregnancy
that it is cool to abort sanity and wonder
coz his staff will bring you back
and theres is nothing to fear pick ur poison girl
guitar or percussion girl
ur song and sing to the world that this girl;s....
"Zion's train is coming..and it will take us home"

Wednesday, 7 May 2008


I had a blast at KWANI? Open Mic, Tuesday 6th May 2008. I have however learnt an important lesson

Never will I drink and MC at the same time. Wah! It impairs your flare on stage, wears you down and makes nagging poets seem annoying!

All in all I had fun and relished the opportunity to bless the mic

Monday, 14 April 2008


Tuesday, 8 April 2008

poem (3): EXTRA EXRA

extra extra read all about it
this is the full page spread but if u want it
it will cost you extra

its like extra is the new it word in the vocabulary
you see
am talkin from the stand point
or should i say the walking point of a Kenyan
who has to transverse from south to make it up north
with blisters on my feet
at night afraid of the thugs il meet
so i walk up to the boda boda brother
and he says
it will cost you extra

extra is the new marriage
men whose fathers didnt teach them any better
get into fair weather unions
calling them communial living
their co-habitors babies
while their out chasing other ladies
it's a man thing
they cant stand monogamy
thats as disgusting and grotesque as a politician miming
peace yet supplying weapons plastered with government signings
it's time for you to keep your zip up and start sowing
seeds of a generation that is looking
for fathers that have now become murderers
smudging other mens daughters with the sin of bigotry
can somebody tell me
why there are all these bastards around
i know the answer
but it will cost you extra

extra like that parcel of land that marks a deed your not entitled to
extra like that packet of milk that now costs you
from a salary thats becoming lesser
tongues and dicks are getting wetter
greedier to get so let have forty
ugly law makers who snear on television
the creaters
of idp's and r.i.p's
and yet they want extra
and as usual our mute faces are their silencer
stating i wont speak up coz they are from my side of the lake
so we have a steak incase i want to rise higher
steak to eat so that the bones can expire
and kiss my ass , i dont care i am a bonafide liar
its every man for himself how the hell do u expect this player
to get some paper,
ill just take your ballot papers and use them to make a fire
burning churches from eldoret to othaya
and as i sky rocket this country's inflation
i will straighten up my tie and spit peace to a nation
that is already paying extra

extra for all those bastards who were never taught better
extra for the mothers who let them get away with it
extra for the lives that are now lesser kenyan,
more anger
what is the solution?
i will not listen to yapping unions
led by a gold chain wielding batallion
i am kenyan
and for that reason
i will give you an answer
and for that answer
i will have to charge you

Friday, 28 March 2008

A POEM (2)

Today is my day

am goin to take the sun and place it on my head
it will shine so bright
that my scalp will scald
it will turn my dandruff to vapour
and my skin to dust
and even then, the dust will still be golden

Today is my day

am goin to wipe the mud off my shoes
after i get off the train
i will walk with my head up high
i will tilt my head up so high the skies will split
and create a cloud the shape of God's eye
and it will soak me with rain
and even then, the mud will still be golden

Tonight is my night
i will put all phones away
i'll forget the little fight
i will peel my blanket off
sit on the bed and wiggle my toes
i will snuggle freddy teddy
and cry myself to sleep
and even then the tears will still be golden

Wednesday, 19 March 2008



I am a Christian woman
the heathen kind but thats a story for another day
pray tell
this is a chorus you know very well
so just to let you know
i love you

i love you but it hurts to do so
you are an unformed diamond roughened
by the slaps of isolation
by the lack of affection
and i slackened
to realise the potential of having you take space in my heart
i was so willing to see the good in you
hoping that if only i could love you
you would adversely change and love me the way i want you to

that is not the case
so am left with the choice
should i erase
the foundation of meeting you and say were through?

oh no boe

this woman knows that to move a mountain
you start will small rocks
so lets get digging
grapes dont grow together but one seed at a time
so lets get picking
and make our fine wine
and with time
God through his mightiness
will show his prowess
and make you mine

coz its not so much the loving but how you love
and since all good things come from above
can i call you my angel
and handle
you when you have fallen
you are as imperfect
as an abortion
your jars of service as dry as a skin without lotion
and we all know you gave me those flowers after i not so subtly hinted
what an ass you are for not giving them to me for valentines!!!!

by gones

lets just enjoy each others company
and as you learn from me
and I from the father
i pray that the education will teach you
to listen to the master
who is in your heart
who cheers you on and calls you
coz we are one
and when all things are undone
just so you know
i love you
till lemons become sweet
for every tear at my feet
till His will is done
lets be like the sun
and shine
as one

Friday, 8 February 2008


The dictionary defines the word stupid as an adjective, hence it is used to describe people. Now honestly, there are some very stupid people who walk among us, as in who totally lack in intelligence and much to everyones chagrin exhibit the quality ofextreme stupor

Sad to say i sometimes belong to that category. Have you ever done something in your life that is completely uncalled for? Like yesterday while watching the Africa Cup of Nations semis (Cameroon vs Ghana) .Wacha some Cameroon guy called Bikey (i think thats his name)just pushed a paramedic who was trying to help his fellow team mate for no apparent reason, i mean really! yah suits his stupid ass right for getting a red card

Then comes yours truly, me. Today, allow me to strip the colour from my being and expose the vice that correctly echoes the sheng saying "kutoa rangi" This afternoon i just walked out of the studio ( am currently a jokey) and met a colleague halfway through an on air show. Now i could state in my diffence that i temporarily lost my barrings due to the excitement of their visit, i could also say the contents of the envelope i was to hand them were "costly" or i could just say i was plain STUPID especially since i was busted by boss (go figure) who did not hesitate to sms me "u have an amazing ability to want to be fired!!!!"

This is for all those sordid souls who, for no reason at all, go out and do stupid things like kill their neighnour (whom they have lived with peacefully for years) ati cause they don't speak the same language ama ( a superlative in my books) a happily married man who ditches the wife of his youth to marry a two bit whore or guys who cut ques in banks or ....yah run out of the studio in mid-air...gasp! gasp!

Thursday, 24 January 2008

how you live (turn up the music) point of grace

life is innately not what you do but how you do it hence how you live. I watched a movie on ktn over the Christmas holidays and it was about ( i forget the name) some 18th century family that couldn't die coz they apparently drunk from a spring in some enchanted forest. As fate would have it , the 100 year old teenager,fell madly in love with a girl and wanted her to drink from the fountain so that she doesnt kufa also and they can literally live happily ever after, shock! the chic refused! why? she discovered the secret in life is not not dying (knowhatimean) its is not living! and with that, i wanna share with you lyrics from a very powerful song, it is by point of grace, called how you live(turn up the music) i hope it speaks to you as it did me....shalom!

Wake up to the sunlight
With your windows open
Don't hold in your anger or leave things unspoken
Wear your red dress
Use your good dishes
Make a big mess and make lots of wishes
Have what you want
But want what you have
And don't spend your life lookin' back

Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
You won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
Cuz it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

Verse 2:
So go to the ballgames
And go to the ballet
And go see your folks more than just on the holidays
Kiss all your children
Dance with your wife
Tell your husband you love him every night
Don't run from the truth
'Cause you can't get away
Just face it and you'll be okay

Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
You won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

Oh wherever you are and wherever you've been
Now is the time to begin

Verse 3:
So give to the needy
And pray for the grieving
E'en when you don't think that you can
'Cause all that you do is bound to come back to you
So think of your fellow man
Make peace with God and make peace with yourself
'Cause in the end there's nobody else

Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
'Cause you won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

nolens volens

happy new year mi maties! hope your keeping well. you will excuse me if i don't get into the political scenario of the year, am sure the dailies and the international media have milked that baby dry, mine is to usher in a new existence of myself, a new face, a new era and a new time

Wonder what the heading means? its Latin for unwilling or willing and that is my theme for 2008.


Coz face it, stuff happens in our lives whether we want them to or not. however i am currently reading Rhonda Bryne's "the secret" that begs to differ.None the less the law of God rules so i'll go with that for a while...

nolens volens we were all prisoners in our own homes as odm supporters toughed it out and we watched in shock and horror as innocent kenyans suffered. nolens volens i was sick during the "new year" and couldn't go to hospital hence,have a very melancolic point of view of that time, nolens volens my sister and i have grown apart

I come from a family of many women, drama very much included but there was one woman i became very attached to, my immediate elder sister. Catalysed by our two year age difference, i grew up knowing that she was my best friend and she was and will always be regardless of this ridiculous pall that seems to have fogged our otherwise loving relationship

I have a flaw of falling in love with those i care about and believing , rather vehemantly, that it is indeed my sovereign duty to take care of them especially when i think (important to note that it is a self inflicted resolution) they are "neshing". But you see human nature doesn't work like that, people are , afterall, firstly single then part of a commune. Regardless of the many trials we have achieved in the past, i forgot this year that she is, nolens volens , her. And i can't change her, and i cant make her see things from my point of view because , well, they arent hers.

So we had this big fight, pride pre-destining us to not see each others point of view but i was humbled by Joyce's Meyers teaching when she said , "you know what.. we can't get offended all the time when stuff doesn't go our way. sometimes no matter what you do or say,the other party will never look through your glass and see your reflection. All that matters is what God says about you." So am taking this season to learn what God is saying about me,more so my flaws. I have been branded an over bearing, self centered cow enough times to look into that mirror and see what i can do about the image bouncing back.

Coz like it or not, sometimes you just have to let it go so that it can come to you( if at all) and that my dear is my first post of 2008.

Let God be true and every man a liar!