Monday, 15 August 2011
FORGIVENESS AND ALL THAT
So I have recently gotten my heart broken in very familiar circumstances, I was fooled by human nature.
Heart breaks are not restricted to relationships that are romantic, I have come to discover. In fact friendship and family can break your heart far worse, mainly because you never saw it coming. Never in your wildest dream did you think your best friend would betray you or your brother or sister would turn on you.
But human beings do what they do best, they hurt others. It is up to us to choose whether we will stick around for a second helping or do something about it.
What am I talking about? Forgiveness.
Forgiveness sucks, nay, it sucks ROTTEN EGGS! But it is so important especially when you are tired of beating yourself up, coming up with different scenarios and explanations and yup, are done being depressed.
I for one don't mind sharing that I have been depressed for a good portion of my life. Waking up in the morning and not feeling like living is not a good thing. Whether it is self inflicted or situational, depression, like heart break, like forgiveness belong to the same sucky club, in fact they play golf and organise play dates!
For these and many reasons, I tend to fast forward my pain. I imagine myself with another man who loves me for me and is faithful, I day dream about coffee dates with my battery of girlfriends who laugh at my every joke and understand when I don't, I dream that I am an only child...ok that Donald Trump is my brother or Barrack Obama!
This is generally because; living in the present sucks as well. I mean who wants to feel now, now is painful, now bears no fruit, now is hard. If you are living in the future however you can create your own utopia, you can orchestrate the steps that led you there, or not. The present forces you to live, the past lets you reminisce and the future allows you to die to your present.
And for this and many reasons, forgiveness hurts. I am the kind of person I want bad things to happen to you. You hurt me I pray that God punishes you and if He is too busy dealing with the Holocaust victims or the Japanese Tsunami or our MP's, I call on his universal accomplice called Karma. Oh don't I like dishing the line, “Karma is a bitch and will get you." I say it with an emotional similar to the one Lady Macbeth called upon the spirits to "unsex her" I call upon it with the same measure of pain that is, at that time, causing my heart to pump faster. Karma needs to avenge me. Why? It is only fair that if you have caused me a proportional amount of bodily or emotional heartbreak that you should feel the same, I mean you must! Kwani? (Next open mic is September 6th at 7p.m Clubb Soundd by ze way!)
However, I also know the rot unforgiveness causes. It eats at you slowly, you don’t even realise how bitter you become. You begin to hate your partner, you begin to bitch about your friends to other friends in their absence, and you alienate yourself from your family and by extension, their world! Unforgiveness, like forgiveness suck. They both take time to settle in and they don't feel very nice. However, unlike unforgiveness, forgiveness has a mature result. Like life. You can only learn through experience right? The same with forgiveness, you can only become a better person through it. You drink your enemy’s poison, that’s how odd forgiveness feels like. But it is the only way to live in the present.
Living in the present doesn't have to suck though if you live a moment at a time. If you start bundling stuff together especially all the things you have NOT done like for me: doing my masters, buying a car, paying my HELB loan, being normal, I get overwhelmed and start feeling defeated. However if I plan on how to do shit like save, get a side hustle, empower myself to get another job, the present becomes bearable because it is in tandem with the future, they are hand in hand.
So, I have chosen to start my year now and forgive. I am so bitter about stuff that I can’t change and even if I could, I would still propagate it somehow. I am done. It's time to live.
Finally, forgiveness, like life is a choice. If you wake up in the morning and want to blast yourself and don't, you have lived. If you wake up in the morning calling upon Karma and all her evil step sisters, then you might as well look for a gun, and aim at the heart, where it bleeds the most.